Mortified Beyond Belief

Well, I thought I could get away with it, but they caught me! I didn't file any City of Detroit income tax. Now I just opened a 900 dollar bill on Christmas Eve morning. I am trying to not let it ruin my precious 3 days off. I have a lot of resentment that I am getting hassled for this dough. I bust my ass off so hard every day at work, and already pay a shitload of the money I make to taxes. I also pay property taxes. Not to mention sales tax. I also realize they want to collect taxes on that old 401 k account I made a few years ago before I switched companies that lost all kinds of money. Like I said, I don't want to ruin the Christmas spirit. The reason the country elected a Republican is because people are sick of other people figuring this out, "Hey, if I plead poverty, I can get out of paying almost any taxes, get a free hand out, and not have to go to a shitty job that I hate every day." Or they may think of something like this, "Hey, technically I

About a month ago, I ordered a counterfeit Fender Stratocaster from a Chinese trade website. I received it this week. I enjoy playing it a lot, but I began thinking about the people who made it.  The seller had several pictures of older Chinese workers crafting the guitars. I thought about them as I passively played all of my usual muscle-memory-cliche guitar moves. I read on the internet that the workers in Chinese factories often work 16 hour days, 6 days a week. I heard they make about 50 cents an hour. That kind of makes me have to forfeit all of my complaining rights to my job. (Yes I do have a job, I know most of you assumed I was a successful rockstar.) Well, I also heard about the guy in the Cort guitar factory who intentionally set himself on fire and all of the suicides that come out of the factories. I feel partly to blame for it I guess. Then I came across this article from Guitar Player Magazine: Stupid Guitar Player Magazine Bullshit Rosy glasses article

mattHEw t. mruzek, is noW in search of A drummer  pay is 12 dollars aN hour for 4 hour pracTice blockS ----saturdaYs/ sundays OUr best wishes, from mooN dOg master himself. W !!!! MOONDOG MAGIC STUDIOS

Many guitar players experience a sensation stemming from an intense desire to play guitar called finger erections . Their fingers may become stiff, or move rapidly in what appear to be uncontrollable fidgets.   A Stanford psychologist coined the term finger erections , after she noticed how awkwardly several of her ex-boyfriends who played guitar behaved in social situations.  Arcing of the fingers perpendicular to their match on each hand aggressively,  is a sure tell-tale sign that a person is experiencing finger erections on one or both hands. Fluttering of the fingers in this position is a trait of a serious condition called Digital Erectile Syndrome.  Only a licensed psychologist or medical doctor may diagnose the condition, but side effects include not connecting socially with others, an agitated appearance, or an uncontrollable desire to buy guitars. Do you think you may have Digital Erectile Syndrome? Don't delay in scheduling an appointment with your phys

I am now taking a break from writing funny, brilliant, masterpiece blogs to inform everybody that I am looking for guitars to buy. Don't take your vintage, rare, and or name brand guitars to the pawnshop, they sometimes only offer as little as 20 percent. Guitar Center usually offers about 40 percent on their low retail price.  You could try craigslist, but take it from my experience, you can often wait months or years to see your vintage or high end guitar sell. The fact is, even at a reasonable price, you are dealing with regular people, and most people don't have 1000 + dollars to spend on an instrument. I am starting to believe that most guitars are being bought on credit these days. I am a collector, I am not trying to flip anything. However, I can only buy stuff if the deal is really good. The disadvantage to selling to me is that you may not get everything that it is worth. The advantage is that I will offer you cash right away, and you wont have to deal wit

The cherished image of jolly St. Nick, the iconic cackle of Roseanne Barr , and the lovable demeanor of the late John Candy have all contributed to what many in today's society call a stereotype of fat people being "jolly". New scientific evidence suggests that these people, and the majority of most overweight people, are in fact in possession of a jolly demeanor. But this evidence also suggests, that an overweight person is more likely to lose his or her temper over the slightest disturbance, if they have gone more than 45 minutes without eating. This explains why the "fat-people-jolly" stereotype has been in dispute for the last two decades. It was also noted that disputes involving an overweight person's food were 32% more likely to end in threats of extreme violence.  One test subject, Jimmy L., threatened to kill his wife after she overcooked his steak.  Another test subject strangled his college room-mate, when he found someone had add

In this day and age, navigating the world of dating may seem daunting and confusing to the newly single man. Many men have questions about what the mores and social norms of texting, online dating and social media are in this relatively new digital age.  There are however some time-tested and proven ways to make the most out of any new dating situation. Gaining sympathy can often lead to an emotional moment, which often leads to sex. Sex often puts your foot in the door to the beginning of a new long-term relationship.  One sure-fire way to gain sympathy with a potential partner is to feign the loss of a beloved pet. Search garage sales, thrift shops. and discount stores for an inexpensive feeding dish to put in a conspicuous place in your home or apartment. When your date notices the dish, and asks if you have a dog or a cat, that will be your time to confide to her your pre-rehearsed story of how your pet died.  If you happen to be low on money, you can even embellish yo

This morning I had a reader email me an interesting question, which was spawned by remarks made by Donald Trump while in conversation with former "Access" co-host Billy Bush back in 2005. "Is it ever ok to grab a woman by the pussy?----I am a little confused because Donald Trump is such a successful business man and he said he grabbed womens pussies all the time. I am really starting to wonder if maybe I have been going about the dating scene the wrong way. It's been 4 years since I had a date, and that was with someone from ok Cupid, who turned out to be a guy. I'm just so confused" --- Brandon C. Grabbing a woman by the pussy is only OK when you are the base during a "split-lift" or "teddy sit" during a cheerleading stunt. This method of support should only be used as a last resort. Most of the time, you should support the team mate being lifted by holding on to his or her buttocks.  If your hand makes vaginal contact, prom

Many men are now becoming aware of the relatively new man-boob fetish that is becoming popular among liberated women. It is almost unthinkable that in as little as a decade ago, having man-boobs was considered a shameful condition. Now, such popular sex symbols as Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzeneggar are paving the way, and regular guys need not feel ashamed of their dirty man pillows. The most important step in making your man-boobs look bigger is to start standing up straight, with your shoulders pulled back. After you have mastered the art of good posture, your next step will be to go shopping for tighter shirts.  *Don't ignore the young adult/boy's section if the regular small isn't tight enough. There are many bargains to be had in this section that is often passed with indifference by most men. The 3rd step in accentuating your man-cleavage is to draw attention to the area with a manly looking pennant, cross, or trinket on a chain to dangle betwee

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the gallon bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice are on sale. If they are, buy one and take it to a place where you have privacy.  Once you have privacy, drink the entire bottle or dump the entire contents into another bottle (or bottles) to remove the juice from its original container. Once the bottle has been emptied, take a sharp serrated knife and cut a .5 x 2 inch slice on the bottom of the bottle. Slide your limp penis into the original opening of the Ocean Spray bottle, and abduct your abdominal muscles in order to place your lips over the opening of .5 x 2 inch slice you made in the bottle. Now, use the muscles in your oral cavity and diaphragm to create suction inside the bottle as it tightens against your pubic mound. You should have a firm penis in no more than 3 minutes of this. Use your saliva as lubrication if you have trouble removing the bottle.-- Matthew T. Mruzek M. D

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the ribs are on sale. If they are, buy them and a bottle of Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce. Take the ribs, put them in a crock pot with half a bottle of the BBQ sauce. Let them cook on low for 8 hours. Eat the ribs. Leave the Juice from the ribs in the crock pot bowl on top of the counter at room temperature for about two days. After two days, you should have a jelly-like substance. Remove the jelly-like substance from the crock pot and put it into a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Take that bag and place it inside of another bag. Place the two bags of rib jelly inside a third bag. Tie them all off, tight together to form a pocket that resembles a breast. Use this breast-like device as an arousal tool. When you are done with it for this use, eat the rib jelly from the bags. You should have no trouble fallling asleep. --- Matthew T. Mruzek M.D

Hello people, Many of my friends know I am a loyal Guitar Center customer. The last time I was in there, I picked up a copy of the Detroit Metrotimes. I have enjoyed reading that paper for the music articles and to see stories on local bands since my early community college days. It had been a couple years since I have really read anything from it, except for when a band I am in happens to have press in it. Anyways, the reason I am bringing the paper up, is because I feel like the ads for sex shops and massagers have gotten over the top. I am not really offended by any of it, honestly. I actually cut out one of the adult movie store ads that had a picture of a porno that advertised a "Transexual Gangbang". I was taking it around at work today seeing which one of my co-workers would think it was cool. I had at least one guy think it was cool. I just thought it was so funny that they would have something like that in a free paper that any little kid could pick up for f

Last weekend I was at guitar center, and I found this light-weight double neck (acoustic on top, electric 6 string on the bottom) for only $199 used. The color is a tobacco burst finish.

Tomorrow I will be performing (singing and playing guitar) with a new power trio I have been working with. We are playing at the first Official Whateverfest after party! We should be starting around 10:30/11. Friday May 6th 1111 Beaufait Doors at 9, Music at 10 (5 dollars without wristband) Shady Groves / Mruzek / Cosmic Light Shapes / Rah The Son / Cass Ketchum / AB Broaden https://www.facebook.com/events/1041367732597069/ This show will be in a warehouse. We hope to put on a good show! It should be loud! 

Some people may be aware that a group I perform in, the Ill Itches, will be having a record release this Friday at the Marble bar here in Detroit. The band has done several interviews where the interviewer emails the band questions and we each answer them. In one such interview, all of my answers were omitted, and I heard from the other band members the music journalist got mad because I didn't take the interview seriously enough. I feel like I am in high school again. Here is a link to the interview as published: Ill Itches DeepCutz Interview. It was partly this incident with this interview that inspired me to start writing my own blog again. I really meant no ill-will with my answers to these questions. I just felt like the questions were "leading questions". You know what I'm talking about, questions where the interviewer is really looking for a specific response from the subject. I know the interviewer wanted me to get all sentimental and retrospective ab

Hello people, This week I found out that Prince died. I was is disbelief for a while. It was a bummer. Everyone else has said something eloquent, so I don't feel the need to. Most people that know me very well know me from the past as someone who really idolized prince, especially as a child. I attempted to imitate the way he was able to go into the studio, play every instrument, and produce all of his own music. He was definitely my hero for much of my life. I also lost someone who was a really good friend a couple months ago. He was a huge fan of Prince, and had given me a ton of Princes early bootleg recordings. My friend was also a multi instrumentalist that spent hours practicing to get better and had such a high standard for quality. He wasn't merely an attention seeker. He was only 27. So although this news of Prince dying is bad, it is no where near as tragic as my friend passing away at such a young age. I feel a little better knowing that my friend is in good co