Mortified Beyond Belief

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the gallon bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice are on sale. If they are, buy one and take it to a place where you have privacy.  Once you have privacy, drink the entire bottle or dump the entire contents into another bottle (or bottles) to remove the juice from its original container. Once the bottle has been emptied, take a sharp serrated knife and cut a .5 x 2 inch slice on the bottom of the bottle. Slide your limp penis into the original opening of the Ocean Spray bottle, and abduct your abdominal muscles in order to place your lips over the opening of .5 x 2 inch slice you made in the bottle. Now, use the muscles in your oral cavity and diaphragm to create suction inside the bottle as it tightens against your pubic mound. You should have a firm penis in no more than 3 minutes of this. Use your saliva as lubrication if you have trouble removing the bottle.-- Matthew T. Mruzek M. D

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the ribs are on sale. If they are, buy them and a bottle of Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce. Take the ribs, put them in a crock pot with half a bottle of the BBQ sauce. Let them cook on low for 8 hours. Eat the ribs. Leave the Juice from the ribs in the crock pot bowl on top of the counter at room temperature for about two days. After two days, you should have a jelly-like substance. Remove the jelly-like substance from the crock pot and put it into a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Take that bag and place it inside of another bag. Place the two bags of rib jelly inside a third bag. Tie them all off, tight together to form a pocket that resembles a breast. Use this breast-like device as an arousal tool. When you are done with it for this use, eat the rib jelly from the bags. You should have no trouble fallling asleep. --- Matthew T. Mruzek M.D