Mortified Beyond Belief

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the gallon bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice are on sale. If they are, buy one and take it to a place where you have privacy.  Once you have privacy, drink the entire bottle or dump the entire contents into another bottle (or bottles) to remove the juice from its original container. Once the bottle has been emptied, take a sharp serrated knife and cut a .5 x 2 inch slice on the bottom of the bottle. Slide your limp penis into the original opening of the Ocean Spray bottle, and abduct your abdominal muscles in order to place your lips over the opening of .5 x 2 inch slice you made in the bottle. Now, use the muscles in your oral cavity and diaphragm to create suction inside the bottle as it tightens against your pubic mound. You should have a firm penis in no more than 3 minutes of this. Use your saliva as lubrication if you have trouble removing the bottle.-- Matthew T. Mruzek M. D

Go to Wal-Mart, check to see if the ribs are on sale. If they are, buy them and a bottle of Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce. Take the ribs, put them in a crock pot with half a bottle of the BBQ sauce. Let them cook on low for 8 hours. Eat the ribs. Leave the Juice from the ribs in the crock pot bowl on top of the counter at room temperature for about two days. After two days, you should have a jelly-like substance. Remove the jelly-like substance from the crock pot and put it into a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Take that bag and place it inside of another bag. Place the two bags of rib jelly inside a third bag. Tie them all off, tight together to form a pocket that resembles a breast. Use this breast-like device as an arousal tool. When you are done with it for this use, eat the rib jelly from the bags. You should have no trouble fallling asleep. --- Matthew T. Mruzek M.D

Hello people, Many of my friends know I am a loyal Guitar Center customer. The last time I was in there, I picked up a copy of the Detroit Metrotimes. I have enjoyed reading that paper for the music articles and to see stories on local bands since my early community college days. It had been a couple years since I have really read anything from it, except for when a band I am in happens to have press in it. Anyways, the reason I am bringing the paper up, is because I feel like the ads for sex shops and massagers have gotten over the top. I am not really offended by any of it, honestly. I actually cut out one of the adult movie store ads that had a picture of a porno that advertised a "Transexual Gangbang". I was taking it around at work today seeing which one of my co-workers would think it was cool. I had at least one guy think it was cool. I just thought it was so funny that they would have something like that in a free paper that any little kid could pick up for f...

Last weekend I was at guitar center, and I found this light-weight double neck (acoustic on top, electric 6 string on the bottom) for only $199 used. The color is a tobacco burst finish.

Tomorrow I will be performing (singing and playing guitar) with a new power trio I have been working with. We are playing at the first Official Whateverfest after party! We should be starting around 10:30/11. Friday May 6th 1111 Beaufait Doors at 9, Music at 10 (5 dollars without wristband) Shady Groves / Mruzek / Cosmic Light Shapes / Rah The Son / Cass Ketchum / AB Broaden https://www.facebook.com/events/1041367732597069/ This show will be in a warehouse. We hope to put on a good show! It should be loud! 

Some people may be aware that a group I perform in, the Ill Itches, will be having a record release this Friday at the Marble bar here in Detroit. The band has done several interviews where the interviewer emails the band questions and we each answer them. In one such interview, all of my answers were omitted, and I heard from the other band members the music journalist got mad because I didn't take the interview seriously enough. I feel like I am in high school again. Here is a link to the interview as published: Ill Itches DeepCutz Interview. It was partly this incident with this interview that inspired me to start writing my own blog again. I really meant no ill-will with my answers to these questions. I just felt like the questions were "leading questions". You know what I'm talking about, questions where the interviewer is really looking for a specific response from the subject. I know the interviewer wanted me to get all sentimental and retrospective ab...

Hello people, This week I found out that Prince died. I was is disbelief for a while. It was a bummer. Everyone else has said something eloquent, so I don't feel the need to. Most people that know me very well know me from the past as someone who really idolized prince, especially as a child. I attempted to imitate the way he was able to go into the studio, play every instrument, and produce all of his own music. He was definitely my hero for much of my life. I also lost someone who was a really good friend a couple months ago. He was a huge fan of Prince, and had given me a ton of Princes early bootleg recordings. My friend was also a multi instrumentalist that spent hours practicing to get better and had such a high standard for quality. He wasn't merely an attention seeker. He was only 27. So although this news of Prince dying is bad, it is no where near as tragic as my friend passing away at such a young age. I feel a little better knowing that my friend is in good co...