Mortified Beyond Belief

Well, I thought I could get away with it, but they caught me! I didn't file any City of Detroit income tax. Now I just opened a 900 dollar bill on Christmas Eve morning. I am trying to not let it ruin my precious 3 days off. I have a lot of resentment that I am getting hassled for this dough. I bust my ass off so hard every day at work, and already pay a shitload of the money I make to taxes. I also pay property taxes. Not to mention sales tax. I also realize they want to collect taxes on that old 401 k account I made a few years ago before I switched companies that lost all kinds of money. Like I said, I don't want to ruin the Christmas spirit. The reason the country elected a Republican is because people are sick of other people figuring this out, "Hey, if I plead poverty, I can get out of paying almost any taxes, get a free hand out, and not have to go to a shitty job that I hate every day." Or they may think of something like this, "Hey, technically I...

About a month ago, I ordered a counterfeit Fender Stratocaster from a Chinese trade website. I received it this week. I enjoy playing it a lot, but I began thinking about the people who made it.  The seller had several pictures of older Chinese workers crafting the guitars. I thought about them as I passively played all of my usual muscle-memory-cliche guitar moves. I read on the internet that the workers in Chinese factories often work 16 hour days, 6 days a week. I heard they make about 50 cents an hour. That kind of makes me have to forfeit all of my complaining rights to my job. (Yes I do have a job, I know most of you assumed I was a successful rockstar.) Well, I also heard about the guy in the Cort guitar factory who intentionally set himself on fire and all of the suicides that come out of the factories. I feel partly to blame for it I guess. Then I came across this article from Guitar Player Magazine: Stupid Guitar Player Magazine Bullshit Rosy glasses article ...

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Many guitar players experience a sensation stemming from an intense desire to play guitar called finger erections . Their fingers may become stiff, or move rapidly in what appear to be uncontrollable fidgets.   A Stanford psychologist coined the term finger erections , after she noticed how awkwardly several of her ex-boyfriends who played guitar behaved in social situations.  Arcing of the fingers perpendicular to their match on each hand aggressively,  is a sure tell-tale sign that a person is experiencing finger erections on one or both hands. Fluttering of the fingers in this position is a trait of a serious condition called Digital Erectile Syndrome.  Only a licensed psychologist or medical doctor may diagnose the condition, but side effects include not connecting socially with others, an agitated appearance, or an uncontrollable desire to buy guitars. Do you think you may have Digital Erectile Syndrome? Don't delay in scheduling an appoin...

I am now taking a break from writing funny, brilliant, masterpiece blogs to inform everybody that I am looking for guitars to buy. Don't take your vintage, rare, and or name brand guitars to the pawnshop, they sometimes only offer as little as 20 percent. Guitar Center usually offers about 40 percent on their low retail price.  You could try craigslist, but take it from my experience, you can often wait months or years to see your vintage or high end guitar sell. The fact is, even at a reasonable price, you are dealing with regular people, and most people don't have 1000 + dollars to spend on an instrument. I am starting to believe that most guitars are being bought on credit these days. I am a collector, I am not trying to flip anything. However, I can only buy stuff if the deal is really good. The disadvantage to selling to me is that you may not get everything that it is worth. The advantage is that I will offer you cash right away, and you wont have to deal wit...

The cherished image of jolly St. Nick, the iconic cackle of Roseanne Barr , and the lovable demeanor of the late John Candy have all contributed to what many in today's society call a stereotype of fat people being "jolly". New scientific evidence suggests that these people, and the majority of most overweight people, are in fact in possession of a jolly demeanor. But this evidence also suggests, that an overweight person is more likely to lose his or her temper over the slightest disturbance, if they have gone more than 45 minutes without eating. This explains why the "fat-people-jolly" stereotype has been in dispute for the last two decades. It was also noted that disputes involving an overweight person's food were 32% more likely to end in threats of extreme violence.  One test subject, Jimmy L., threatened to kill his wife after she overcooked his steak.  Another test subject strangled his college room-mate, when he found someone had add...

In this day and age, navigating the world of dating may seem daunting and confusing to the newly single man. Many men have questions about what the mores and social norms of texting, online dating and social media are in this relatively new digital age.  There are however some time-tested and proven ways to make the most out of any new dating situation. Gaining sympathy can often lead to an emotional moment, which often leads to sex. Sex often puts your foot in the door to the beginning of a new long-term relationship.  One sure-fire way to gain sympathy with a potential partner is to feign the loss of a beloved pet. Search garage sales, thrift shops. and discount stores for an inexpensive feeding dish to put in a conspicuous place in your home or apartment. When your date notices the dish, and asks if you have a dog or a cat, that will be your time to confide to her your pre-rehearsed story of how your pet died.  If you happen to be low on money, you can eve...