I am a bad person
The last two weeks were very busy for the band. We played PJ's just last night, recorded a radio show, and released a new song. Koji has a 2nd child on its way that is due any day now. He had to miss our last two outings. I missed his bass a lot, especially last night. I think being a band is being willing to prove yourselves as survivors, playing shows any way, by any means. Sometimes we can't all make the shows. It it painful to be less than perfect though.
So.... this is why the band is going to be rehearsing harder and more intense than ever before to get up to the standards of quality that I imagine in my mind. I consider the show last night to be a huge failure on my part, for reasons I would probably be better off not saying!!!!!!! I was still finishing my birthday celebratiion from the day before, but that really is no exscuse... because in all honesty that is not the first time it happened.
I am not going to drink anymore. Even though I sometimes enjoy it a lot-- I am going to have to stop, because I can't bear the thought of playing another show affected by alcohol. IT REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME.
You know, I hate using this blog for anything serious, because I consider so much of what I read on the internet to be an unintentional joke--that I usually prefer to cut to the chase. I also hate drama queens.... they all have transparent motives. I guess my motive for writing this is to publicly state I am not going to drink to reinforce my will. I truthfully don't think it will be very hard to stop drinking completely. I actually got into drinking because of a sense of obligation to buy beer when out at a bar. Then the habit grew from there. Then I realized playing the drums was a lot of fun when drunk. Even recording songs was more fun when drunk. Better with a Man-- I decided to release (with the support of the band), is a depraved song that I struggled with the idea of releasing or not. My conscience bothered me. I don't want kids to hear this kind of stuff. I thought the song was funny when I first heard it played back, but I have been on edge about it for a long time. The night I put it out, I woke up 3 hours later and had a terrible urge to take it down. I was nervous, embarassed, ashamed. Not because of what people would think of me, but because I go through different states of mind where something that seems funny at one moment, might be a source of huge shame and embarassment when I reflect on it. I didn't just record the song because I thought it was funny--- there were other complex reasons for why I did it.
The reason I finally decided to release it is because that song came from a genuine sense of rage at the time, I wasn't faking it when I recorded it, but I immedialey realized how ridiculous it was, and that was a huge motivational factor in why I decided to finish recording it. It was really fun recording when I realized that I was taking a genuine feeling of outrage and turned it into something so obscene that I think it almost borders on parody/sattire.
Let me say one more thing. I DID NOT BECOME A MUSICIAN TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME.
It doesn't matter, girls, friends, cliques, whatever. I am NOT GOING TO PANDER TO PEOPLE. The only way to do good music is if it is genuine. Wouldn't it be pointless is a wrote some indie sounding piece of pop shit that is all about how some relationship is meaningful and all that FUCKING BULLSHIT? You know what? I feel alienated by what is popular. I really don't give a fuck. So what, I am a bad person! At least I can admit it, and I am not just trying to fake what I truly feel to appeal to people!
Well forgive me if I am not being a gentleman, I try to be a gentleman in the real world and respect other peoples feelings and the way they are by NOT trying to change them, or alienate them. You can't feel all that goody goody community love collective bullshit without alienating people. People who you don't let into the club. I don't give a fuck. I am a bad person. I am proud!
-----Matt
So.... this is why the band is going to be rehearsing harder and more intense than ever before to get up to the standards of quality that I imagine in my mind. I consider the show last night to be a huge failure on my part, for reasons I would probably be better off not saying!!!!!!! I was still finishing my birthday celebratiion from the day before, but that really is no exscuse... because in all honesty that is not the first time it happened.
I am not going to drink anymore. Even though I sometimes enjoy it a lot-- I am going to have to stop, because I can't bear the thought of playing another show affected by alcohol. IT REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME.
You know, I hate using this blog for anything serious, because I consider so much of what I read on the internet to be an unintentional joke--that I usually prefer to cut to the chase. I also hate drama queens.... they all have transparent motives. I guess my motive for writing this is to publicly state I am not going to drink to reinforce my will. I truthfully don't think it will be very hard to stop drinking completely. I actually got into drinking because of a sense of obligation to buy beer when out at a bar. Then the habit grew from there. Then I realized playing the drums was a lot of fun when drunk. Even recording songs was more fun when drunk. Better with a Man-- I decided to release (with the support of the band), is a depraved song that I struggled with the idea of releasing or not. My conscience bothered me. I don't want kids to hear this kind of stuff. I thought the song was funny when I first heard it played back, but I have been on edge about it for a long time. The night I put it out, I woke up 3 hours later and had a terrible urge to take it down. I was nervous, embarassed, ashamed. Not because of what people would think of me, but because I go through different states of mind where something that seems funny at one moment, might be a source of huge shame and embarassment when I reflect on it. I didn't just record the song because I thought it was funny--- there were other complex reasons for why I did it.
The reason I finally decided to release it is because that song came from a genuine sense of rage at the time, I wasn't faking it when I recorded it, but I immedialey realized how ridiculous it was, and that was a huge motivational factor in why I decided to finish recording it. It was really fun recording when I realized that I was taking a genuine feeling of outrage and turned it into something so obscene that I think it almost borders on parody/sattire.
Let me say one more thing. I DID NOT BECOME A MUSICIAN TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME.
It doesn't matter, girls, friends, cliques, whatever. I am NOT GOING TO PANDER TO PEOPLE. The only way to do good music is if it is genuine. Wouldn't it be pointless is a wrote some indie sounding piece of pop shit that is all about how some relationship is meaningful and all that FUCKING BULLSHIT? You know what? I feel alienated by what is popular. I really don't give a fuck. So what, I am a bad person! At least I can admit it, and I am not just trying to fake what I truly feel to appeal to people!
Well forgive me if I am not being a gentleman, I try to be a gentleman in the real world and respect other peoples feelings and the way they are by NOT trying to change them, or alienate them. You can't feel all that goody goody community love collective bullshit without alienating people. People who you don't let into the club. I don't give a fuck. I am a bad person. I am proud!
-----Matt
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